I’m not entirely sure why I am writing this post, but since it’s my blog I can write what I want.  There were other topics I had in mind but didn’t really feel right and then as I was tossing and turning until 3AM it came to me that this might be something. 
Something personal.
Something along the lines of letting go, sadness, courage, and healing.
All those autumn things I have been talking about.

This weekend I am going camping, for the first time in two years. 
I am going with my brother and my son, and we are all super excited. My son is going to LOVE it, as he loves all things outdoors.  The trees will still have their incredibly brilliant fall colors, the weather is supposed to be a high of 70 degrees, and the spot we’ve found is near a lake with some gorgeous hiking trails!
I’m even going to do a cold plunge! 

The 4th of July

July 4th, 2020 was the date of my last camping weekend.  It was in Flagstaff Arizona.
Bear with me here as I’m not sure how all this is going to come out.

I was camping with Rick. 
Rick was my soul mate, my twin flame, my Texas ginger.  We were also fire and gasoline, we broke each other’s hearts more than once, and we couldn’t stay away.

We met on July 4th, 2015.  We had slightly crossed paths before that at the bar where I worked, but it was that night that fate had it we would interact, and holy moly, talk about fireworks.   For the next five years, except for 2019, we would spend the 4th of July together, even if we weren’t together in a relationship.

We weren’t together in 2020, I had come back to Arizona after spending the covid months going from Colorado to Wisconsin and made my way back to Arizona after finding out I was pregnant.

Camping was our thing, I can’t say how many miles in the high and low deserts of Arizona we backpacked, how many campfire meals we enjoyed, how many times we almost ran out of water, how many times we stared at the stars in absolute bliss.  He bought me my Kelty Coyote backpack for our first Christmas and really taught me how to backpack, and how to see the vast and incredible beauty of the desert.  He had a degree in Biology, and he knew the plants and the birds, the fish and animals, and how to survive a few days with damn near nothing.  
He was one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met and loved to share and point out all the beautiful things. 
I can’t tell you how many books I have on Arizona wildlife, birds, more birds, and plants I have from being inspired by him. 

We camped on beaches, we camped in the cold, we camped in the rain, and we camped any time we could get away.  We had our first Campsgiving that 2015 in southern Arizona, it was our first weekend getaway together.  It was so beautiful, and if I remember correctly we definitely saw some UFO-type light phenomenon.  We hiked around for miles with my dog and were exhausted by the time we got back to make dinner.  Moose didn’t even get up to eat for a few hours, haha.

We climbed Mount Whitney in California, the tallest peak in the 48 states!  That was such an incredible and challenging experience.  Have you ever been above the treeline?  Had marmots come up to your camp?  Walked 99 switchbacks while carrying everything you had? 
We had camped one night, then spent one night at the base to acclimate to the altitude, then one night up the mountain, before spending two more nights by the same incredible lake that we stayed at the first night. 
I can’t even describe how beautiful and grungy we felt.

July 18th 2020

July 18th, 2020 Rick took his life.

Time and Fate

If I had not been pregnant with my son, I don’t think I would have made it through.
I believe with 100% of my being that a fragment of Rick’s soul resides within my son. 

While I will never understand it, there has been peace found through my spiritual journey. 
This man made me who I am today, through the best and the worst of it, through the pain and the ecstasy. 

In the story of Time and Fate, Time will always be there, for Fate to come around again.  

“Come To The Woods, For Here Is Rest”

Quote by John Muir.
854 days. 
It is time to get back outside.  Honestly, I’ve been scared, knowing how nature will bring out the raw.  
I will embody the courage to set up my tent, light a fire, to breathe in the air of the woods. 
I will relish in the joy of watching my son explore and hike, pick up sticks, and say
“fi-yur” probably 100 times.

I will feel the emotion, I will once again cry and probably ask again why.
I’m going to feel him, we’re going to chat, and I know that he will know just how to answer back. 
Through a sudden slight breeze, by the jump of a fish, the singing of a bird, by the magic of a shooting star.  

This was the last photo I took of him.

November 5th 2022

I think I needed to write this post to help prepare myself for the reality of the emotions that are at play here.  Becoming aware of these feelings will serve me, feeling everything will help me to heal. 
I’ve always been one to shove feelings away, maybe feel them intensely for a while(in this case it was a long while, I was extremely depressed through most of my pregnancy), but then put the cork on it, even though there is always that pressure.

I need to let that pressure out.  However, it comes. 

We set up camp last night and have had a glorious morning. Atlas already did a half cold plunge, haha.

Can I tell you what I feel? It’s not overwhelming sadness, it’s not a painful recollection of memories.

It’s love. It’s a permeating sense of home and freedom.  Rick instilled in me a deeper love and appreciation for the outdoors, and being back out in nature like this…I can’t quite put the words on it.

I’m going to be present now.  Thanks for reading. Have a beautiful weekend.

November 6th (edit)

I am now home from camping and I wanted to add some reflections as a follow-up to this post.
I saw two snakes, tiny little frogs, a hawk, geese, and playful squirrels, and also heard a fish jump. The snakes were very surprising, a long black one halfway down towards the water and then a pretty little green one on the trail.
The falling leaves were absolutely gorgeous and they would at times just rain down, it was incredible. The moon was almost full and had a pleasant glow through the trees.
I did do my cold plunge! Two minutes in the lake, which really wasn’t as cold as I was expecting, but I mean yeah still cold. Breathed through it and just enjoyed that sensation, getting out I felt so refreshed, renewed, and lighter.

There was sadness, there was release, there was hope, and a restored vitality in this camping trip.
Where I thought there would be more pain, there was more reflection on gratitude, and appreciation for the moment here and now. I honestly give my Healy device a lot of credit for helping me work through and let go of some of the energy I’ve been holding onto.
There will always be a scar from Rick’s death, he will never be forgotten, and I will miss him until the day we meet again.
Now, however, there is such a deeper appreciation for the gift of time that we had, the impact our time had on who I am, the memories of pure love and excitement, and the knowing that I can still connect with him, his presence is never far away.

Love and vibes,